After The Mess

I know I’m lazy. I don’t spend my time wisely. When I have free days, I don’t always use them to work on my blog or edit videos. Then I get stressed out because I think I wasn’t given enough time to finish them.

I know I get angry easily. I get defensive before the other person even has a chance to speak. I think that I know everything and that  I’m always right. My mindset is that if you don’t live your life how I think you should, then you’re doing it wrong.

I know I cry way too much at things that aren’t really that bad. I get excited about stupid temporary things that I’ll forget about within a few days.

I know I don’t have a steady job yet. I know that I’m not willing to sacrifice to make things work. I know that I take matters into my own hands and then just leave them in the corner to rot.

I know I contradict myself. I say one thing and do another. Half the time I don’t know what I believe. I’m always confused and can’t make up my mind, but I’m not willing to do what I need to do to figure it out.

I know some of the music I listen to isn’t clean. Same for the shows and movies I watch. I’m not 100% modest with my wardrobe choices. Sometimes I ignore what these things could do to my spirit and let my flesh get the best of me.

I know most of the things I do are meaningless. I know I don’t read enough. I don’t try to learn new things often enough. I always procrastinate and put things off till the last minute.

I know I can be really rude and obnoxious. I know I’m not always a great listener. I know that I can be hard to be around. Hard to deal with. Hard to understand. 

I know I put a fake face on to look like I’m doing everything right, like I have it all together. Like I’m reverent and pure and never do anything wrong.

I know I’ve fallen way back in my relationship with God. I can’t remember the last time I actually read my Bible. I know I don’t always do what God asks of me. I know I don’t use the gifts He has given me to the capacity that I could.  I very rarely take time out of my day to minister to others.

I know I’m stubborn and very forgetful. I know I find it hard to admit when I’m wrong. I’m not very good at forgiving people quickly.  I know I lie. I know I give up too quickly. I know I’m impulsive and at the same time, very indecisive.

I know I’m not that smart. I know wanting to travel all the time and be a social media influencer seems selfish and shallow. 

I know my past holds things I can never get back. I know I’ve screwed up way too many times to count. I know I keep screwing up and can’t seem to stop.

 

And I hate myself for these things.

 

 

But please trust me,

I’m trying...I’m really trying.

 

If you’re in the same boat as me right now, only seeing your flaws and failures. Feeling like everything and everyone around you is just magnifying those flaws and failures. You feel really alone.

I could say the normal things you would hear most people say to cheer you up. “You are not a failure!” “Just turn to Jesus and He will take those feelings away!”  But I’m not going to.

Because this is something completely different.

This is you in all your mess ups, mistakes, and straight up sins. This is you at your weakest and your most vulnerable. 

This is also you at the most pivotal point in your life. You have to make a decision. To keep letting yourself be pushed down into the dirt with your insecurities, temptations, and the harsh words of others (who may not even know they are making you feel this way). Or to get up, broken spirit and all, and say,

this is not me. this is who I was, and who I will never become again. because the God of Heaven and earth decided that He cared about me. that He thought I was pretty interesting and creative and kind-hearted and absolutely necessary to have in this giant world. He said “man I love this one...AAAHH SO MUCH I JUST CANT HANDLE IT” He looked at my timeline and saw all the things I would do to hurt Him and to hurt others, and more specifically to hurt myself. And He said give her/him a double shot of grace. actually triple that. No, wait, just give ‘em all of it. Anytime he/she asks, throw down all of the grace we’ve got and make sure they are comfortable in my love. Bring them to tears with My peace. Leave it deep down in their heart. I WILL PURSUE THEM WITH ALL THAT I HAVE. 

even if it kills my son.

 

 

 Because no matter what they have done. No matter how horrible it is or how long they have struggled with it.   I want them to know that I am not their enemy, I am their safe place when they mess everything up. I am their refuge in the middle of any battle. I am their source of forgiveness and strength. Their biggest fan.